Unmoored
That's the word. I've been wresting with this feeling for a while now, and I didn't really have the word for it. For how I felt.
Unmoored. Def: 1. to loose (a vessel - ship, boat, dirigible, etc.) from a particular place. Vessel was generally held there by cables and anchors, or lines. 2. To lose one's security.
Synonyms: adrift, unanchored
Having been a part of Evangelical Christiandom for..ever...I was taught (indoctrinated?) that my life has a deeper purpose. That we were put on this Earth to make it better - that we have been called. Set apart. Given a royal decree. That there is "more to this life" (sorry, SCC fans - I couldn't resist). That everything I do - and everything that happens to me - has an eternal outcome. That God's plan is to use us mightily for His Kingdom; and that, once you have been "proven faithful in a little," He will grow your influence, leadership, and responsibility. Like, the spiritual version of moving up the corporate ladder.
But, what if you suddenly go "backwards"?
What if you're doing everything right? Trusting in God, following the path He's laid out for you, and you're suddenly adrift? Without a tangible plan for said higher purpose?
Where's the answer for that random trajectory?
Ever since I was a teenager, I bought into that propaganda; that my life was meant for "MORE." That I was called to do big, amazing things in Jesus's name. That a quiet life of living and loving those around me was too little. That I needed to do more, touch more lives, love others with the full intention of getting them to know Jesus (how's that unconditional love, again??). And, wowza, did that attach itself to my psyche. Soul. The core of me. And, since I'm an overachiever in every way, I did it. Worked in a church and grew the youth ministry. Moved into education in a Christian school, taught there for almost two decades. Mentored young men and women (outside of my classroom duties). Led teams of those same young men and women on short-term humanitarian trips to emerging countries. Sang on the worship team at church; helped to train leaders in both the school at which I taught and within the church in which I worshiped. There has not been a day, since college, that the concept of my "work" also being my "calling" and my "purpose" has not been an understanding in my periphery, if not in my full-focus.
And then, suddenly, it ended. Not slowly, with me letting go, piece by piece, of the responsibilities I had taken on. But quickly. Not unexpectedly, but rather abruptly. One day, I was doing all. the. things. for Jesus, with all the responsibilities, emails, schedules (color coded, even), and paraphernalia; the next, my hands were empty.
It's pretty damn surreal when, for twenty-ish years (heavy on the ish), you were working toward something. You knew what you were doing, whom you were doing it with; you had your cog in the wheel of something greater, and you had your place. Now, you don't.
I am now unmoored. And it is a completely unsettling, knocking me off-kilter kind of thing. And yet...what if that's the whole point?
Unmoored. Def: 1. to loose (a vessel - ship, boat, dirigible, etc.) from a particular place. Vessel was generally held there by cables and anchors, or lines. 2. To lose one's security.
Synonyms: adrift, unanchored
Having been a part of Evangelical Christiandom for..ever...I was taught (indoctrinated?) that my life has a deeper purpose. That we were put on this Earth to make it better - that we have been called. Set apart. Given a royal decree. That there is "more to this life" (sorry, SCC fans - I couldn't resist). That everything I do - and everything that happens to me - has an eternal outcome. That God's plan is to use us mightily for His Kingdom; and that, once you have been "proven faithful in a little," He will grow your influence, leadership, and responsibility. Like, the spiritual version of moving up the corporate ladder.
But, what if you suddenly go "backwards"?
What if you're doing everything right? Trusting in God, following the path He's laid out for you, and you're suddenly adrift? Without a tangible plan for said higher purpose?
Where's the answer for that random trajectory?
Ever since I was a teenager, I bought into that propaganda; that my life was meant for "MORE." That I was called to do big, amazing things in Jesus's name. That a quiet life of living and loving those around me was too little. That I needed to do more, touch more lives, love others with the full intention of getting them to know Jesus (how's that unconditional love, again??). And, wowza, did that attach itself to my psyche. Soul. The core of me. And, since I'm an overachiever in every way, I did it. Worked in a church and grew the youth ministry. Moved into education in a Christian school, taught there for almost two decades. Mentored young men and women (outside of my classroom duties). Led teams of those same young men and women on short-term humanitarian trips to emerging countries. Sang on the worship team at church; helped to train leaders in both the school at which I taught and within the church in which I worshiped. There has not been a day, since college, that the concept of my "work" also being my "calling" and my "purpose" has not been an understanding in my periphery, if not in my full-focus.
And then, suddenly, it ended. Not slowly, with me letting go, piece by piece, of the responsibilities I had taken on. But quickly. Not unexpectedly, but rather abruptly. One day, I was doing all. the. things. for Jesus, with all the responsibilities, emails, schedules (color coded, even), and paraphernalia; the next, my hands were empty.
It's pretty damn surreal when, for twenty-ish years (heavy on the ish), you were working toward something. You knew what you were doing, whom you were doing it with; you had your cog in the wheel of something greater, and you had your place. Now, you don't.
I am now unmoored. And it is a completely unsettling, knocking me off-kilter kind of thing. And yet...what if that's the whole point?
I'm intrigued! Keep writing!
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